Connect deeply

Chris Peterson, one of the founding fathers of positive psychology is famous for his succinct description of positive psychology in three words. Simply put “other people matter”.

Deep, close friendships are instrumental to reducing stress. Studies show that during stressful periods the presence of close friends can suppress levels of cortisol. A study from Harvard showed that spending time with close friends has the power to extend our life, boost brain function, and delay memory loss. In fact, having a highly active social life can decrease the risk of Alzheimer’s by 70 percent.

Skip the small talk!

A study by a psychologist at the University of Arizona found that participants who spend more time engaging in deep discussions and less time engaging in small talk (about the weather for example) seemed happier. In fact, small talk only made-up 10 percent of the discussion for those who were most happy.

In the wise words of Eleanor Roosevelt:

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."

Most of the time, small talk happens out of habit rather than interest. It will take some practice to skip it, so here are a few questions to discuss deeply with some of your close friends right now.

It’s ok to talk about experiences and things happening in the world but try not to get stuck on gossip or the latest news updates or doom and gloom. Go deeper.

What has this experience made you come to realise? (leave it open and allow them to take it where they want)

What are you feeling most grateful for?

In what ways will the world be better for this experience?

Also, don’t only talk about our current experiences. Go bigger.

What are your passions?

Tell me about a time when you felt most alive and engerised?

If you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what you would say?

Make sure you share your inspiring stories and passions with them too.

If you’re looking for further inspiration, you may recall the 36 questions to fall in love with anyone, popularised by the New York Times. The magic of these questions is that you progressively go deeper to new levels of vulnerability together. In workshops, I often take a sample of these questions to help colleagues get to know each other on a deeper level and it always works a treat.

Perhaps you can try it out with your partner or close friends. Just beware, you might just fall in love.